This pas few months was very tough on me and no one knew about except me. I suffered a lot this year for all the new stuff that happened to me; I thought I was ready for this big changes, I thought I was prepared to let go and jump start to a new life but when I was actually there, i felt lost and alone. It grew to a point that I barely could trust anyone anymore.
Moving away from the place I called home, ripped my soul to pieces. The places I gotten used to seeing that I cant see anymore made me so depressed, that stepping one foot away from our apartment, takes so much energy out of me. However, the worst part of it is leaving the people I have spent a lifetime with. The people who knew me inside and out, those who were there when I was crying, those who defended and protected me, those who I treasured the most. I didnt want it for sure, but i don’t have a choice, I’m going to college and they are the ones i have to sacrifice in achieving my dreams. I knew this was going to happen, I prepared myself for it mentally; and when I thought i was ready to let go of them and find new people to surround myself with. My heart kept pounding my chest and started to look for the familiar faces, I have fallen in love. I didn’t know it hurts soo much, the pain was too big for me to handle, I started to let go of reality and relied on online games to take my disappointments and frustrations away. I depended on it to take me back to a place full of wonder where I was strong and powerful.
When I started escaping reality, I also started to let go my dreams, my plans in life and most specially myself. I really don’t want it anymore but its the only thing that masks the real pain I still feel inside. Its like my cushion in a place I’m alienated too. If I could just go back to my home and heal myself, give time for me to actually say good bye, maybe..just maybe I could actually move on. By then maybe I could be actually strong enough to face the waves of changes and not try to escape from it.
And yet, I know it will take time for me to go home because our place is here now, I don’t have a house to keep me safe there anymore. However, I am sure soon I will go home. I wont be whole till I go back to the place that sheltered me for a very long time.